Being a MOM

When I brought Landry home for the hospital I was ill-equipped for the constant demands he placed on me. Constant. Screaming. Shrieking. Demands. I didn't easily swing into motherhood with a tiny ripple to my existing lifestyle. Motherhood came with the furor of a Tsunami devastating everything that had existed to me previously.

I remember consciously thinking...."I have died". I remember looking at his red, screaming little face and thinking "what do you WANT from me?" I remember missing my former life. I realized that the LaRae I had known and loved had ceased to exist. Most difficult to me was adapting to no longer being able to do what I wished. Just a simple nap, or watching a movie...taking a shower....all these things usually taken for granted became near impossible. For a time I can best describe how I felt as imprisoned.

Then I adapted.

My heart was overtaken with emotion so crushing it took my breath away. To love someone so desperately is to know the greatest fear on earth. I adapted to that emotion and began to savor it. Yes, the old me was dead but the new me was rebuilt piece by piece in the image of a Mother. I have given him my blood, sweat, tears and every ounce of my being for the last ten years and I am thankful for the opportunity.

But inevitably the tide is turning once again and more changes are in order. Having a boy I see more and more that he needs little nudges out of the nest. I walk a fine line between mothering him and teaching him to be a Man. It is so hard.

I wonder what our new roles will be. So connected are we that we have to squirm a little to see what might exist for us outside of each other. So we squirm. We adapt. We hold hands and we head out on the newest journey...together.