Barbie Perfect

My thoughts today are of all I try to balance and do well on a daily basis. I pressure myself up so much trying to be perfect that sometimes I feel like I don't do anything 100%. Its funny, I don't hold others to such high standards...I can always find a good quality, or some attractive feature in everyone. Except me. Why do I notice that the overweight woman in front of me in line has nice hair or beautiful eyes? Yet when I look at myself, the standard I aspire to is a Victoria Secret model. Sadly I fall very short of that but nothing else will really do. From my perfectly polished pedicure to the top of my highlighted head I am a work in progress. An arsenal of beauty products promising to change my life are applied daily, (hell, who am I fooling...several times daily). I wage an ongoing battle against cellulite and wrinkles, zits and frizz, stubble and weight.

My house is another quest for perfection. All pillows must be fluffed and the beds must be made. The trash cans must not have trash in them. I haven't sat and watched TV in so long I don't know how to work the remote. I drive people nuts straightening. No one is comfortable on my couch or my bed.

The ultimate quest for perfection I think is with Landry. I feel like I have something to prove to the world. Because I am a single mom, I hold myself to a higher standard. I feel he needs to be the smartest, cutest, and most well behaved. I want him dressed nice and smelling good.

Even in my relationship I feel like I must be perfect. There is so little one-on-one time. When we do manage to grab a few moments, I feel like it has to be romantic and sweet and wonderful. I need to be funny and beautiful and charming and sexy. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep. Sometimes I am grumpy, or premenstrual. Sometimes my stomach hurts. During intimate moments I can't help envisioning my butt dimples showing and wondering just how horrifying my ass looks from behind.

I am going to try to learn to breathe a little and just be. This perfect stuff is a losing battle. Wes told me last night that if anyone didn't love Landry and I for what we were it was their loss.

THEIR LOSS. Wow. What a concept.

I have spent the last 8 years making sure we were both spit-shined and irresistible. Making sure no one could live without us.

I don't know how to end today's blog. Another work in progress....I have to go attend to being the perfect business manager and getting everyone's tax stuff to them on time.

Happy Friday!